Lent Day 19 (Monday)

Exercise: None (weather).  I brought my cycling gear today, but I didn't bring everything that I actually needed to ride.  The weather was supposed to be 55 out, but it even without a wind I was chilled before I changed into my cycling clothes.  I had a base layer, but not colder weather gear with me.  

Verse:

Deuteronomy 6:6-7

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁶ “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.

Thoughts:  I've come to realize over time that everything costs energy to me.  Not everything costs me the same amount of energy, and things cost different amounts of energy depending on different factors.  In fact, just saying "everything costs me energy" is probably the only thing simple in the equation.  For example - the simple task of getting 5 humans coordinated, dressed, and out the door to the store to me is often times a massive undertaking.  Especially when going to Costco to redeem our rewards coupon isn't really what I want to be doing, but I know it needs to be done.  So while I may have grand plans for doing additional things, by the time we are simply parked and have gotten into the front area, my energy level is to "can we just go home now?"  Even tasks I love have a cost that I cannot always quantitatively establish.  Spending time on the bike, or on the computer, or just watching TV, all have an energy cost to me that I have to deal with.  There are certain things that I will myself to expend energy on because it's expected/demanded, like work.  I like my work, and I like where I work and who I work for.  I like the tasks that I have put before me most days.  That doesn't mean that I always have the available energy for all of the complex interactions and requirements that I wish I did at any given time.  Sometimes I just "dig a little deeper" and get through it, but it always comes at a price to me personally over time.  At some point I have to recharge, and finding the best outlet for that can be challenging as well.

The hardest part is attempting to explain how my psyche handles situations, though.  Often times it seems like everyone else uses a different system for managing themselves than I do, and taking the time to explain it costs me more energy than just muddling through.  I'm not sure if it's because you cannot see energy expended, much like you cannot truly tell the level of effort that another athlete is putting out until they are exhausted, or if it truly is that others do not deal with the limited emotional/mental energy levels that I do.  I know I'm not alone with how I feel, but too often it feels "abnormal".